Hi, I‘m Anne. Nice to meet you or good to see you, whichever it may be. If you already know me, feel free to skip ahead. I am a 23-year-old with a habit of biting off more than I can chew, putting too much on my plate, burning the candle at both ends. You get the gist. This blog is going to be an outlet for me to just write about it all and have a platform to share the things I am going through; maybe you are going through them too. Let me give you a brief overview of my current plate.
I am (a): foster mom angel mom fur baby mom (3 cats, one dog) military spouse student applying to grad school volunteer at an elementary school intern at a non-profit autism research assistant etsy business owner maintaining a (reasonably) clean and organized home
WHEW! That is just the commitments, it doesn’t even begin to include the stuff I am choosing to do, like:
being a good friend creating a positive learning environment for my kiddo staying in shape crafting drinking 64 ounces of water every day getting my kid to eat nutritious meals (including vegetables) advocating for foster youth in Washington State choreographing and rehearsing dances oh…and this blog.
Yes, you are absolutely right I should not be starting one more thing. Am I going to do it anyway? Absolutely. I thrive on being busy and always having something new to accomplish. If I have an addiction it is 100% doing too much. I try not to complain because all of this was my choice. I had the power to create (the majority) of the life that I have. I am grateful for it and am loving trying to juggle it and keep myself afloat. I have triumphs and I make mistakes, and I want to share them with you guys. We are human and we all deserve to not only brag on ourselves but also critique ourselves without being ashamed. Especially us mothers. Let’s erase that mommy stigma that we have to be perfect mothers and wives. So join me in the freedom to speak. Join me in the freedom to be human. Join me in the freedom to share our lives with each other and build a closer community, erasing all facades.
Let me know what you want to hear about! I love a challenge.
Okay, so you know those days where you honestly are just feeling really off? That was yesterday for me. My daughter and I were not getting along and just pushing each other’s buttons. More like she was pushing my buttons so, I pushed hers by getting her in trouble. You know, that whole cycle. I lost my cool early on in the day and felt guilty for yelling. Dustin was on duty and I was on my own. We got into a fight that morning about lying and had to work through time out, yelling, the works. We made it through with some conversation and learning about “unconditional love.” But then she complained about the food I was making and she let the dog run away and we were still clashing. The day continued to be a bit painful and I eventually made the decision to get a babysitter for a couple hours and go out with some friends. I was being the picture of self-care mama and doing what was best for me and my kid. We both needed a little break. She loves having a babysitter and I don’t get one often enough. So the stage is set… We are in my bathroom getting ready for me to go out. She is trying on my shoes and clothes as per usual. I was curling my hair and then she asks for her hair to be curled. So, I curl her hair and then remember we need to go outside and move what we had spraypainted in before it rained. First, it had already rained. But anyway, I made the conscious choice not to get dressed yet and was wearing my underwear and an oversized sweatshirt. Kiddo is wearing bright red tights that are see-through and my metallic hot pink top. We go outside and GUESS WHO LOCKS THE DOOR? You’re right, not me. Not only am I keyless and phoneless but I am also PANTLESS. It is basically pitch black outside now and raining and cold. Thankfully our garage was unlocked so Xena hung out in there while I attempted to break into our house. I tried jimmying the locks and running my shoulder into the door- nothing was working. So with the undying support of my child, I find the crowbar and bust our window open. I really had exhausted most of our options. Now, the babysitter that I hadn’t met yet was going to be arriving in 15 minutes at this point. I am cleaning up tons of shattered glass and trying to get things organized. I had just lost about 45 minutes of planned organizational time, needless to say, I was very frazzled. Also, why is it always the times when our spouses are gone that these things happen?? I get this whole “girls can do anything” mentality but also breaking into my own house and then trying to tape up my window was really not my finest moment. So the babysitter gets here and Coleslaw won’t stop barking at the cats and X is still in see-through red tights. I have just finished taping up my window with dill pickle duct tape. We were a sight… and I thought this poor girl was going to just turn around and leave. She stuck it out through my weird hectic interview and then proceeded to stay and be a great babysitter! I got to go drink some wine and have some laughs so the day didn’t end awful and as usual I missed my girl while I was out.
Why is this feeling of “when it rains it pours” so real? This was my reminder to just slow down and figure out what was happening so things did not spiral out of control. But also it’s okay. It was a bad day, so what? Today was a new day and I still got more love and snugs from X. She was so calm yesterday in the face of this stressful situation and kept telling me that it was going to be okay. I am lucky to have a child who knows how to comfort me when I need it, too! It is so important to me to be honest about my emotions, what I am feeling and why. I think it teaches her how to express her own emotions and realize that feelings are necessary and okay. We then talk about how we work through them. Yesterday was such a good example of this for us. She asked if I was mad at her and I said: “no, I am not mad at you, I am just frustrated with the situation. I didn’t want to break the window and now I don’t want to be cleaning up the mess.” And of course, her picture-perfect response was “even though you’re mad, I still love you. That’s ‘uncondition’ love.” Yeah, talk about she is the cutest thing ever.
So remember to have grace with yourself. Our days sometimes stink. Sometimes we lose our cool as parents or friends. And sometimes that is okay. Coming out of that situation I was proud of how I handled it and proud of my girl. And while she hasn’t been with me for very long I know that a lot of what she has learned and how she reacts is because of Dustin and I. So I am taking a minute to be proud of who I am raising and proud of how I am raising her.
What was the positive that has come out of some of your worst days?
My husband Dustin and I got married in a whirlwind, but not without asking the important questions. We both knew that foster care was something we were interested in and would be something we looked into after getting married. We debated applying earlier into our marriage but I ended up getting a job I was happy with and we decided to put it off. Then we started trying for a biological child. We had one, Atlas. He was amazing for the two and a half days we got to keep him. After he passed away we discussed over and over if we ever wanted to do kids again. We quickly decided that we had no interest in trying again for a biological kid. Too much trauma associated and we did not want to risk the same thing happening to another babe. We have a 25% chance of passing MCADD onto another child, and while they have the opportunity to be okay I am still not at a place where I can stomach that. Not to mention my pregnancy was actually trash. Hyperemesis Gravidarum, Bells Palsy, Postpartum Preeclampsia AND a dead baby. I think I will pass on that in the future.
So much of us wondered how we would ever be able to parent again. To trust ourselves, to trust God, to trust humanity. I will say, this portion of it still is not easy in any way. But, we knew we had love to give. We had felt what it was like to love a child of our own and we knew we could not live without doing it again. So exploring other options we hopped back to the idea of fostering. The number of kids in the foster care system is devastating. The way the kids have been treated in and out of foster care is even worse. Yes, we were scared of having to say goodbye to more children we were sure to fall in love with. We were also hurt by the fact that we would have been great parents and we didn’t get to keep our child on Earth, but all of these shitty parents get second chance after second chance. All of these in mind we wanted to do it. With my background in human development and Dustin’s ability to deal with extremely taxing situations, I felt like the two of us could be a good team to combat these kiddos laced with trauma. They needed us so we were coming. We figured the worst that could happen is we decide we couldn’t do it or that it was too hard. It is not an easy process. You are treated like criminals and the communication is mediocre at best. Our licensing process actually went a lot quicker than most because I was always one step ahead. It is countless hours of paperwork and training and waiting. There are so many times that we just got mad and wanted to give up. The requirements of foster parents vs. the requirements of parents to have their kids returned to them are absolutely insane. We started and stopped our application a few different times, taking the time that we needed to grieve and heal, not only our own loss but the losses of the children we might soon be caring for.
Heal is such a complicated word. Losing a child is something you absolutely never fully heal from. However, there are some aspects of repairing these pieces that I felt could only be done by being a mom again. I needed to face my fears. So we did! 13 months after Atlas passed away we were licensed foster parents and waiting (not so patiently) for our first call. When I say “not patient” I mean it. I was THE WORST. I was probably so unpleasant to live with. Those weeks felt like years. My mind was brought back to how it felt to be meant to have a child but they aren’t there, the way I felt every day after Atlas passed. I stooped back into some major depression and watched an embarrassing amount of Netflix. I was so close to being a mom and I wanted it soooooo badly. Of course I did not want a child to come into care, but I knew that they were and I didn’t understand why I wasn’t being called. Dustin kept my feet on the ground and indulged me in my sadness, bless him.
Well the call did finally come. And unfortunately we did not end up with the first child we said we would take. However, everything happened for a reason because my amazing lovie was the next call. Dustin and I had actually made a bet about what we thought we would end up with and I said 3 year old girl. That was exactly what we got, and boy is she amazing. Every day we laugh at the funny things she says, brainstorm ways to address her traumas and talk about how badly we want to adopt this little. Of course we know, this may not happen. As sad as it is, we do have to believe that reunification is best for the child. For now, we are just enjoying our time with her and being reminded that we were meant to be parents! We absolutely rock at it (most of the time). Dustin is the most loving, patient and understanding man I have ever met. Watching him with our little girl is a magical experience and I learn from him every day. I do my best work in the getting things done, creating plans department. I am on Pinterest daily coming up with the next craft project, the next meal plan, the next schedule and the next learning activity. Of course, I also specialize in cuddles and lucky for me so does my girl.
So that my friends, is the overview of how we became foster parents. We love it, but it definitely has its ups and downs (post on that to come later). Feel free to ask any questions about the process, I would be happy to answer!
Anne in the Middle 